


wasting time

by thereigning_lorelai



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, High School Reunion, Mutual Pining, Rebelcaptain Secret Santa, Reunions, Slow Burn, Very poor communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 15:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13193100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereigning_lorelai/pseuds/thereigning_lorelai
Summary: He’s taking a shaky breath.So, that’s it. 10 years of radio silence and here they are.“Jyn?” His voice is barely a whisper. Slowly she’s turning towards him, smoothing out her features, her face an unreadable mask.She’s not saying anything, so he adds, “Hi,” rather ridiculously.He’s looking down for a second, collecting his thoughts, taking another deep breath and then, “It’s good to see you, Jyn.”-Jyn and Cassian haven’t seen each other since high school. Will they get the chance to heal old wounds and start over at their reunion party? [For the Rebelcaptain Secret Santa exchange.]





	wasting time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Irelando](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irelando/gifts).



> The prompt for this was _Reunion_.
> 
> I’m really, really nervous posting this as this is the first thing I’ve a) written since approx. 14 years or so and b) written in English. So I hope this doesn’t suck entirely. There's an [accompanying graphic](http://thereigning-lorelai.tumblr.com/private/168145063575/tumblr_p0dwjb4tCo1sbkdc5) for this on my tumblr.

_I've been wasting all this time_  
_Trying to keep you off my mind_  
_You off my mind, but no more_

„I got this,“ Jyn sighs softly and looks ahead to hotel entry in front of her.

She’s not nervous – she really isn’t. It’s just that she’s never been a big fan of class reunions in general. Not that she’s ever been to one but she’s fairly certain she won’t like the one she’s about to attend. These events always seemed to her like big ego-stroking parties on all accounts. _‘Oh look, I’m a bloody brain surgeon now… And this is my house, my husband, my spoiled little brat and my super pretentious wine cellar!’_

No, Jyn isn’t a fan of these events. But Bodhi asked her to come – and it’s because she can never say _‘no’_ to him when he looks at her like a lost little puppy and reminds her of how good a friend he’s been for her ( _‘You only survived uni because I basically fed you and brought you coffee, Jyn!’_ ) whenever she needed him – so she agreed to this whole ordeal and here she is. And she’s not nervous. Not dreading the thought of seeing people again she tried to forget for the past 10 years. Not dreading seeing… _certain_ people again she tried to forget about for the past 10 years. Certain people who – most definitely – tried their damnedest best to forget about her as soon as they left high school.

She’s clinging to Bodhi’s arm as they cross the threshold to the small ballroom and takes a shaky breath. She’s got this. She’s gotten through worse situations than this. And maybe, just maybe, he won’t even be here. She’s not sure what she’s dreading more – him being here, seeing him again after all those years, or his absence and probably never having the chance of making things right between them.

-

Cassian is pulling his car into the last free spot in the parking lot and glances tentatively over to the hotel entrance. He isn’t a big fan of reunion parties, although he’s never been to one, so he wouldn’t know how it’s actually like. He’s still not sure why he decided to come but maybe – subconsciously – he just likes to torture himself.

Because thinking about it, he doesn’t have the fondest memories of high school – not because he wasn’t popular (he wasn’t) or smart enough (he was) – and if he’s being honest to himself, he actually liked most of his high school years… hadn’t it been for the last agonising days he remembers all too clearly… hadn’t it been for her. Not just her but everything that happened between them... or rather _didn’t_ happen.

It’s the possibility of having to face her that’s putting him on edge ever since he agreed to go to their high school reunion.

Still, he’s here. He can’t say for sure what’s been the deciding factor that ultimately brought him here. His traitorous heart is beating faster when he lets himself think about her for the first time in quite some time though.

 _‘Calm down. You’ve got this.’_ His hands tighten around the steering wheel once more before he gets out of the car and crosses the parking lot. He can already hear faint music playing from inside – and then a small hopeful thought runs through his mind that maybe, just maybe, this won’t be as bad as he imagines it. That maybe he finally gets some answers, some closure or an idea of what he did wrong all those years ago.

-

Jyn and Cassian had been best friends for ages. At least it felt like ages for their 18-year-old selves. 

Only best friends.

He could still remember his first day at the new school, standing alone (and probably lost) in the middle of the cafeteria when this small, brown-haired girl jumped in front of him and offered him a seat. A seat at her table and her friendship. She didn’t have many friends herself – thanks to having skipped a class and to her rather brusque personality – but for some reason she decided he’d fit just fine into the neat little space she only shared with another lanky, shy boy named Bodhi.

The three of them were inseparable ever since.

Cassian didn’t even know when it started – when he noticed how Jyn’s eyes sparkled with a million small spots of light in the sunlight, how her hair fell into her face when she was concentrating on something, how she moved like a ballet dancer ready to throw a punch. He didn’t know when he started to fall in love with his best friend until he was already knee-deep into it.

And of course he didn’t say anything, didn’t want to think about it… She was his best friend after all. It was more than he ever hoped for. More than he deserved. He didn’t want to lose her.

There were moments between them where he thought she might feel the same but they were gone too soon and he didn’t try to think too hard about them. Didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or seem like he was the creep who couldn’t be friends with girls.

But then there was this one moment at the party for her 18th birthday, shortly before prom – where they’d gone out (just Jyn, Bodhi, his boyfriend Luke, Luke’s sister Leia, Cassian and Kay… who was invited on Cassian’s behalf)… and at one point – it was late and Jyn had a couple of shots of Tequila and maybe a beer or two – they were alone in the booth they were seated at. Jyn turned towards him and he watched as she wetted her lips with her tongue, murmuring something he couldn’t catch and before he knew what was happening, she was kissing him. Or he was kissing her. He didn’t exactly remember how it started or who started it. They’d kind of just drifted towards each other.

After the initial shock – was this really happening? Was he really doing this? With Jyn? – he started to respond to the kiss, pulling her closer and burying his hands in her hair. He could taste the alcohol on her lips and tongue and then the realisation flickered through his clouded mind – Jyn was drunk. Not just tipsy but drunk. She probably didn’t even know what she was doing right now. Or with whom. She certainly wouldn’t remember it tomorrow.

“Jyn, Jyn,” he broke the kiss, still leaving his hands firmly on either side of her face. Jyn hummed, eyes still closed. When she finally opened them, her gaze was unfocused and his heart sank.

“Cassian.” His name came out surprisingly clear, just slightly slurred towards the end. She leaned in again, softly swaying with the movement.

He cut her off. “Jyn, no.” It came out more as a pleading whisper than anything else.

For a moment a sharp, undefinable look crossed her face before she abruptly slid away from.  
“I think I have to puke.” And with that she hurled herself out of the booth and ran to the closest restroom without looking back at him.

When she came out later, tugged under Leia’s arm, looking really pale, she didn’t look in his direction. Leia excused the both of them and brought Jyn home.

Jyn didn’t talk to him after that. She went to prom with Scott Melshi – Bodhi told him, rather reluctantly. Cassian stayed at home, watching an absurdly bad horror movie and questioning how exactly things could have gone so wrong.

They had to leave for university shortly after. Jyn could barely look him in the eye when she said goodbye to him. He tried to reach out to her, after. His messages went unanswered.

-

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Jyn tightens her grip on Bodhi’s arm as they enter the ballroom. It’s a nicely decorated, dimly lit hall with a few tables and a small dance floor in the middle. _God, she hopes there won’t be any dancing._ At the other end of the room Jyn makes out a fully stocked bar – she and the bartender will probably get to know each other pretty well in the next few hours.

“Oh, come on, Jyn. It’ll be fun. Don’t you want to know who made it on the Forbes’s List already? Might be some marriage material here tonight,” Bodhi smirks at her and Jyn snorts ungracefully.

“I don’t even remember half their faces.”

“You don’t have to recognise all of them…” He trails of, watching her out of the corner of his eyes.

Jyn frowns. “I don’t know what you’re getting at, Bodhi.”

She’s scanning the room. Not looking for anyone in particular. _‘He probably isn’t even here,’_ she thinks to herself, feeling relieved and disappointed at the same time. Putting the thought away as fast as it came.

“You know, maybe he’ll be here,” Bodhi starts carefully as if reading her mind. “I don’t know what happened between you two back in high school. But it’s been 10 years, Jyn. No one can be this unforgiving after such a long time.”

And with that he’s tugging her towards one of the tables and starts greeting people she wouldn’t recognise even if her life depended on it. Bodhi’s just too good at this – socialising, connecting with people – which comes as a surprise to everyone who knew him in high school.

“I’m getting drinks,” she nods in the bar’s direction, desperately searching for a way to escape as soon as possible. Bodhi’s eyeing her cautiously, then nodding as well, letting her drift off to the little counter in the corner.

She’s carefully drifting through the room, not making eye-contact with anyone – mostly because she fears the embarrassing moment of _‘Oh hi, what’s your name again? Wait, who?’_. She reaches the bar successfully avoiding anyone and orders some wine for herself and Bodhi.

The bartender is nice enough and she stays a bit longer just to let Bodhi have a few chats and laughs.

-

He’s a bit late and everyone else is already seated or talking to each other. He spots Kay at one of the tables and walks over. At least someone he knows and will recognise.

“Cassian, you made it,” Kay states matter-of-factly but Cassian notices a slightly excited undertone in his usual analytical voice.

“Didn’t have anywhere else to go on a Saturday night,” he jokes, just to get his nerves to finally relax a bit.

He’s greeting a few people sitting with Kay, not really having names to all the faces.

Then he lets his gaze wander through the room, not yet sitting down with the rest of them. He spots the bar at the very end and leans over to Kay. “I think I need a drink.”

A small figure is already leaning against the bar when he’s approaching, making small-talk with the young bartender.

Dark brown hair, tied together in a pretty updo, a small frame, strong legs – Cassian’s breath hitches because he recognises her instantly even after all those years.

The bartender already noticed him and asks him for a drink, so there’s no way he can just turn around now and go back to where he came from.

“A vodka soda, please.”

He notices her shoulders tensing and as he walks up to the bar, he sees her fingers gripping the wine glass out of the corner of his eyes.

He’s taking a shaky breath. _So, that’s it. 10 years of radio silence and here they are._

“Jyn?” His voice is barely a whisper. Slowly she’s turning towards him, smoothing out her features, her face an unreadable mask.

She’s not saying anything, so he adds, “Hi,” rather ridiculously.

He’s looking down for a second, collecting his thoughts, taking another deep breath and then, “It’s good to see you, Jyn.”

And it really is. He wasn’t sure what it would be like to see her again when he first came here, but judging by how fast his heart is currently beating, he thinks he already has the answer to his unspoken question.

She looks at him for a very long moment, her face still neutral, measuring him.

“I… I have to get back to Bodhi,” she finally stammers. And with that she’s gone.

-

Her skin is tingling weirdly and she feels his eyes following her when she’s getting back to her table and to Bodhi.

Her hands are shaking slightly when she puts down their glasses.

_Shit, she should have said something. Anything._

It was so good to hear him say her name again after all those years. She didn’t realise she missed hearing him say it.

_It’s been 10 years, Jyn. You’re allowed to get over a broken heart and act normal around him again._

But she still feels the hurt and embarrassment of him rejecting her too clearly. Almost as clearly as she remembers his lips on hers – even though her mind was clouded by alcohol back then, she can still remember the feeling of his kiss.

Bodhi’s saying something to her but Jyn doesn’t listen. She dares to glance back to the bar. Cassian’s still standing there, watching her.

She swallows and turns to Bodhi again, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes still lingering on her.

“You know, it would probably be the best to… just talk to him?” Bodhi formulates it as a question but it definitely is meant as a friendly suggestion.

“I don’t know how,” Jyn admits.

“Try using words… and maybe say sorry,” Bodhi suggests with a small smile on his lips. She risks another look over her shoulder and sees Cassian still at the bar, now looking down at the drink in his hand.

She sighs heavily. Bodhi is right. Of course he is, damn it. Raising her glass to her lips, she takes a huge gulp, trying to swallow both the wine and the deafening drum of her heart.

-

Cassian’s growing frustrated. With her, for basically ignoring him, shunning him once again. With himself, for not being able to take his eyes off of her. She’s at the table with Bodhi now. She’s even more beautiful than he remembered. And he notices her neck straining a bit trying to glance at him over her shoulder from time to time.

He’s staying at the bar a bit longer, calculating what to do next, when he sees Jyn standing and leaving the room for the hall probably heading to the restrooms. He sees his chance and pushes himself away from the bar quickly.

He’s out of the ballroom just seconds after her.

“Jyn?”

She’s coming to an abrupt halt, turning slowly, not really meeting his gaze. With two long strides he’s caught up and standing before her.

There’s a long pause.

His voice is almost a whisper when he finally speaks again. “How are you?” It’s the only question he can think about that’s not too personal, that’s hopefully not sending her away again. She seems to consider him and then her expression softens ever so slightly.

“Good. It’s nice to see you, Cassian.” The words are soft but he can see the tension in her body.

“You’re here with Bodhi?” It’s a safe question again. Just stating facts.

“He talked me into it. I can never say ‘no’ to him,” she admits slowly. He smiles at that. He can still remember the soft spot she’s always had for Bodhi – he never knew, but Bodhi could basically ask anything of her.

“So, how’s it going?” He wants to know so badly. He wants to know what she’s been up to, what she’s doing now, what her life has been like since they’ve last met. He missed her.

“Cassian,” she seems unsure how to respond to this and bites on her lower lip unconsciously. He can’t take his eyes off of her lips.

She’s taking a few deep breaths and then, finally, looks straight into his eyes. As if she’s made up her mind about something.

“Look Cassian,” she starts hesitantly. “I’m sorry I… cut you out like that. I know it wasn’t fair and…” She waits a few seconds, maybe for him to interrupt her but he’s not sure where she’s going with this. Finally, she continues, “I was hurt and… I never should have shut you out just because… just because you didn’t feel the same way I did. It was childish. I just wanted to say sorry.”

She’s silent after this. Just staring at him.

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about?” He’s so confused and he can’t think over the heavy beating of his heart.

“The… birthday party. I was kind of drunk but I still remember the… embarrassing bits.” She pauses, looking at her feet.

“The embarrassing bits,” he finally repeats, stepping closer to her unconsciously. She’s so close now.

“Yeah, I know you didn’t feel the same way about me. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Jyn finally blurts out and he sees her blushing just a bit.

His heart is racing so fast now and this whole situation is so absurd he almost wants to laugh.

What is Jyn even telling him?

“I… I never said I didn’t feel the same way about you?” It’s marked as a question because he doesn’t understand how she ever came to this conclusion when it was so, so wrong. It couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Even now. Even all those years later, he knows that it’s still an undeniable truth that he’s utterly and helplessly in love with Jyn Erso.

“Well, of course you did when you pushed me away from you.”

“You were _drunk_ , Jyn. I thought I was taking advantage of you.” He can’t believe they’re having this conversation now. That all this time had to pass for them to finally talk this through. That they wasted a friendship… a possibility of having even more… because they were stupid enough not to talk about it. That it took a fucking class reunion for them to finally talk about their feelings.

“You…” Jyn stops herself and looks up again. He slowly raises his hands to cup her face, stroking her cheeks, pushing strands of hair that have fallen out of her bun back behind her ears.

“You thought,” she starts again but he’s not letting her finish as he closes the distance between them and hesitantly brushes his lips against hers. It’s been so long but he never could quite forget the feeling of her mouth against his. He’s always wanted to feel it again.

Every coherent thought slips from his mind when she deepens the kiss, bringing her arms around his neck and pulling him closer. Her mouth opens for him and his tongue, at first tentatively than more demandingly, pushes against hers. She sighs gently when one of his hands slides into her hair, while the other travels down her back.

God, he missed her so much.

They break apart breathlessly and Cassian puts his forehead against hers, a faint smile pulling at his lips.

“Well, just took us 10 years to finally put this out of the way,” he quips and she laughs quietly.

“It’s good to see you again, Cassian,” she repeats his words from earlier to him. And, “I’m glad you came.”

He draws her back to him and captures her lips again. He thinks he’s finally made his peace with class reunions.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I hope this was somewhat decent. You can find me on [tumblr](http://thereigning-lorelai.tumblr.com). :)


End file.
